BY DON PORTOLESE BREAKING NEWS: Yet another individual has come forward with allegations of sexual misconduct by the comedian, Louis C.K., only this time it has hit much closer to home. Lawyers for C.K.’s right hand have charged the comedian with sexual assault. While some of these incidents coincide in date, time and proximity to those of his other victims, it appears that the extent of the sexual abuse suffered by the hand went much further. Through sign language, the hand has recounted some chilling details of the evenings where Mr. C.K. commanded it to perform salacious acts on his own genitalia: “It was like I was part of him, totally under his control and unable to defy his twisted will,” said the hand through an interpreter. According to the hand’s lawyers, the level of detail and the nature of these acts seem to go well beyond anything yet endured by C.K.’s other victims. Asked about the incident, C.K.’s left hand had no comment. Yes, I am being dangerously facetious with an extremely sensitive topic.
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